I vacillate between being ecstatic and bathing in my bliss that I am actually, seriously, getting everything I ever wanted in my life - and actually, seriously, not believing that any of it will last and we are all doomed to tragedy and misery and unfathomable, un-redeemable loss and heartbreak.
I think it's natural, at least for me. It's not a bad thing. Of course it's unpleasant to have those doom thoughts, those catastrophic thoughts, those feelings that accompany those thoughts. But at the same time, I'm an empath, and so many people are living their doom, their tragedy, their catastrophe right now, this very minute, and I can't ignore that. I can protect myself to the best of my ability, I can give it to God, I can realize the limits of my influence and responsibility. But I will never be someone who can live life just imagining and believing that everything is rosy. It's not, and actually- that's okay. "Life's gonna hurt but it's meant to be felt."
In many ways, I have gotten really skilled at appreciating what I have in my life, not taking things for granted, being present with my blessings and beauty in the world and being kind to myself/ congratulating myself for things. Wow! I'm who I am, and that doesn't always feel like enough, but more often than not it feels right. At the very least, it feels like I have no (or only few) apologies, and isn't that pretty amazing?!
I have worked on things -- at my own pace and paying attention to my own comfort level. I have read books, slowly, that teach and speak to me and allow them to permeate my mind and soul. I carry the language of books and songs with me as I interact with myself and others and share what I learn with those I care about, letting them decide if what I share is meant for them, too.
I curate my parenting style on a daily basis. I remain open to change. I remain open to myself in addition to my child.
I anxiously await my new child, Xavi. I have no idea what he will be like, and I cannot wait to find out. I don't know what our relationship will be like. I can't know that; I can only know what my relationship is like with Nina. My relationship with Xavi will reveal itself to me. My prayer is for patience and peace in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.
I still worry that Xavi will not come. I worry he will be hurt. I worry that him being hurt will shroud all of us in unimaginable heartache that will never go away. I worry about the tiny soul that already never came, and wonder who they are, and if they are a part of Xavi or someone totally separate.
I think the worry seems so unacceptable sometimes that I don't let myself think or feel the next step, which is admitting to myself that I actually can survive. Maybe I don't want to imagine surviving something so awful. That makes sense. Who would want to imagine that? But by not imagining the survival part, the eventual empowerment, we're just left imagining the tragedy part. That's not really fair.
Xavi, until you arrive (and beyond), I will keep doing all the things I can to love and take care of myself. I know that's what you need. "You are me and I am you. Every one of us is worthy."
