Happiness Forever

GRATITUDE is certainly what I have this weekend!!! After a rough week of trying my best to function and go to work despite lingering back pain, embarrassment as I hobbled around in front of coworkers and patients, and exhaustion from the whole ordeal (and not sleeping well at night), I am finally truly on the mend.  I am beyond grateful and savoring the joy of being able to do the simple things I want to do.  Aside from being thankful that I'm no longer in a lot of pain, I'm also thankful to have had the experience (believe it or not!) because now I am being vigilant about my needs, taking things in stride, and feel my overall perspective is improved.  Instead of being stressed out about the state of the house and the tasks I'm behind on, I am just doing what I can and letting go of the rest.  Everything will get done eventually.  There is literally no point in pushing myself or being angry with myself if I'm not exactly "on track"... I don't even really know what "on track" means these days.  Prior to being pregnant and in the early months of pregnancy, I imposed a lot of expectations and timelines on myself and my future.  Some expectations (goals, plans) in life are good, but only if they are created and pursued with hopeful anticipation instead of fear, resentment, or dread.

The outcome is out of our control anyway.  As one quote I saw on Pinterest puts it, "Write your plans in pencil-- give God the pen."  I don't know what the future looks like or what will be best for me and my family with each passing week, month, or year.  What I do know is that I am most happy and at peace when I'm embracing my truest self, utilizing my gifts, treating myself and others with kindness, and fully experiencing gratitude in God's presence. Some concrete examples: Singing. Writing. Tending to friendships. Spending time with loved ones. Dancing. Picking out greeting cards and composing my personal messages in them. Cultivating my own individual style. Awaiting moments of faith and clarity (at times sparse but always inevitable). Accessing insight and finding ways to be kinder and more respectful of myself as I learn new things about what makes me 'me.'  Appreciating each changing season (while being partial to fall).  These are the things I can count on to make me happy.  My "old faithfuls" have remained exactly the same since I was a little girl and are the things that encourage me to remain faithful.

During the ordeal with my back, it was also positive for me to witness my dad and brother managing on their own.  My mom happened to be traveling in Europe with her sisters during the week I was incapacitated, leaving my dad and brother to their own devices and without access to convenient transportation (neither of them can drive due to visual impairment).  My father also experiences his own back pain, in addition to knee, neck, eye, and hand pain, which is chronic. Having only experienced a tiny fraction of his pain, I have a whole new level of empathy for his suffering and daily challenges. What's more, I have a new respect for his attitude toward life, which, truth be told, has improved over the years.  Understandably, it has taken time for him to adopt and nurture an accepting outlook, one which allows him to experience some measure of lightheartedness and peace in the face of difficulty and stress.  This week has also reminded me that when I'm not physically or mentally able to care for someone, God finds a different way to get that person's needs met.  That may seem like it should be obvious to a person of faith, but I think many of us are so invested in taking care of others, we forget that truth.

Yes-- I am pretty terrified of throwing my back out again, but all I can do is be careful, take things slowly and listen to my body.  I looked into prenatal yoga classes and it seems like they could be helpful in a number of ways, so as soon as I'm feeling up to it I will check one out.

This has been a lovely weekend bursting with abundant blessings: brunch with girlfriends, a much-needed new haircut, even more-needed maternity clothes shopping, time with family, errand accomplishment, lunch with my husband, cantoring Mass and getting to sing Center of My Life (which is one of my favorites), dinner with old friends.  It certainly makes up for my derailed plans last weekend!  A good lesson in patience and delaying despair...turning a corner may happen sooner than our pessimism allows us to believe.

Closet Catastrophe

Well, I have hit my first real pregnancy rough patch:  I threw out my back last week and have essentially been rendered incapacitated since then.  Having just entered my second trimester, last week I was eager to employ my bit of increased energy and motivation in beginning to clear out clutter in our home to make room for baby's arrival in the spring.  I was excited to purge our unnecessary items, seriously strip down my wardrobe (figuring it's time to let go of some clothing I've held onto since college and even high school...), and organize our closets. I had been meaning to begin this project for ages, but my first trimester completely zapped my energy and left me with motivation to do little else other than nap and watch TV shows on Netflix.

My back started to ache after having made a significant dent in our bedroom and front hall closets.  I was feeling accomplished and the most energized I'd felt in a long time.  I was a little worried that my back would get worse if I kept going, so I took a break.  That was the end of Operation Closet.  My "backache" quickly morphed from minimal tension to severe spasms which emerge if I dare to move in even the most benign of ways.  Several days later, the contents of our closets (including our artificial Christmas tree, winter coats, countless pairs of shoes, old Halloween costumes, holiday-themed stuffed bears, piles of clothes and old purses to be donated, wrapping paper and our gift bag collection) are strewn about our living room, dining room, and hallway, just begging to be organized.  A very frustrating state of affairs.  

Suddenly, breakouts and nausea seem like heaven as pregnancy inconveniences go.  More than ever, I understand what a responsibility it is to be pregnant.  I am in this much pain and cannot take any pain medicine.  I have my own needs but have to put the baby's needs first.  Apparently it is possible to feel resentment, anger and anxiety while simultaneously being willing to suffer though whatever obstacle presents itself for the sake of this miracle God and I are working on together.

If there is anything positive about the situation, it's that it has forced me to slow down, re-prioritize self-care, and realize what a blessing it is to be able to do the simplest things. I won't take standing, sitting, shifting position in bed and dressing myself for granted anytime soon.  Our bodies and spiritual selves have a way of teaching us what we need to learn.  On this Columbus Day, instead of picking pumpkins and sipping apple cider as I normally would, I'm stretched out on the couch with an ice pack strapped to my lower back, squinting through a headache and listening to my James Taylor station on Pandora.  My husband is working today so he dropped me off at my parents' house so I'd have some company.  Things could be worse.  At least the baby and I got to enjoy some warm apple pie and milk from their kitchen!

Thinking about Lovely Things

At church this past Sunday I think I discovered my favorite reading:

"Brothers and sisters: Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.  Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

...whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me.  Then the God of peace will be with you."

~Philippians 4:6-9

This reading goes along perfectly with what I've been working on: giving myself permission to see the bright side and envision the best possible outcome of things.  Why shouldn't we think about all the true, lovely, gracious, praise-worthy things in our lives?  We should at the very least give as much thought to those things as to the things that make us anxious or upset.

I also like, "Keep on doing what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me."  It implies that we are more capable and spiritually skilled than we may like to give ourselves credit for: Keep on doing what you're doing; trust yourself; you're on the right track.  So often when we stumble, I think we assume we have to start over completely.  The idea of rebuilding ourselves and our sense of sacred safety is overwhelming and can even seem hopeless.  But no misstep, blunder or experience of despair can hit the reset button on what we have already learned and received in the name of God.  Our journey never goes backwards.  We keep continuing down the path.

I told my mother I think I'm making progress because when I'm anxious about something, I'm starting to think, 1. What are the chances ___ will actually happen, and 2. If something bad does happen, what are the chances I won't be able to handle it?  Slim.  I am well-equipped with faith, an unconditionally loving support system, personal intelligence and resilience, self-awareness, budding (and soon-to-be-flourishing) self-acceptance, creativity and an appreciation for meaningful challenges.

Anxiety has a way of demoralizing our gifts--the ones we've earned as well as those we have graciously been given.  But when I saw our little one last Monday stretching and wiggling on the ultrasound screen, I came to believe that some gifts are so precious that fear takes a backseat to love.

A Merciful Challenge

This past Sunday, our priest Fr Thom's homily was about mercy and forgiveness, and how God showers all of us with each.  What stood out to me most was his description of different types of mercy, one of which was "a loving challenge to help us grow."  I haven't often thought about mercy in that way before.  When we are presented with challenges in our lives, we don't often think about those challenges and difficulties as embodying "mercy." I was grateful to be prompted to think about mercy in this way, because pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children are nothing if not loving challenges that help us to grow.  Mercy isn't just about God giving us what we want or alleviating our pain; it can also be about entrusting us with new responsibilities. 

Framing my pregnancy as a challenge God wants me to experience instead of merely a lucky and possibly fleeting blessing that I may or may not deserve (in my own mind) helps to expand my view of what this time in my life is really about.  A lot of my guilt has been coming from thinking that I don't deserve to "get what I want," in this case, a baby.  But is this really about what I want, or about what about what a baby needs?  Don't I want a child specifically because I am thirsting for the privilege to impart wisdom, lessons about self-love and acceptance, spirituality, hope, and kindness to a brand new member of God's family?

During our wedding ceremony, my husband and I were asked, "Will you accept children willingly and lovingly from God?" to which we replied, "Yes."  Fr Thom's question was not, "Will you accept children but question whether God made the right choice?"

**
 

Galo:  he made the right choice to choose you

me:  us  

Galo:  yeah us

Galo:  I love you. You are going to be a great mom

me: 

me:  you are going to be a great dad

True Gratitude

The priest who married my husband and I last November says adopting gratitude is the best first step in accepting God's path-of-life invitation.  Now that we're expecting our first child in April, after being unsure how difficult it would be to conceive due to my diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome (it only took approximately two months), gratitude seems like it should be an easy practice.  And of course, I am in fact very grateful for the way my body has been allowed to serve as a vessel for our baby for the past twelve weeks.

However, I've found that it has also been easy to doubt a positive future, feel unworthy of my blessings, and experience guilt knowing that other families struggle and suffer in ways mine hasn't had to thus far.  For me, there has been some amount of preemptive grieving in these early months of pregnancy.  Whether that premature grief is meant to "prepare" me for a painful outcome or serve to empathize with those who are actually grieving is unclear to me.  A part of me wonders if I believe I have to earn the right to be happy by suffering first.

Everyone has their own crosses to bear in life.  I've begun to realize that I spend a lot of time punishing myself for not having to bear certain crosses while other people struggle under their weight.  I think that by expecting the worst outcome, I am aligning myself with those who are suffering.  If I expect the best outcome, I am disrespecting them.  I am being naive, acting superior, and behaving as if I'm entitled to the happiness that has eluded others.

But I think I've been missing the mark all this time.  True gratitude means you're allowed to be joyful simply because you're alive, simply because God is present.  You don't have to earn the right to be happy-- and believing that doesn't mean you're entitled or naive.  Having faith in any given moment simply means you're embracing the moment instead of shrinking from it.  True gratitude is about what exists right now, not about trying to guess what will exist in the future.

So, for right now, I am happy for the fatigue and nausea, for the aches, acne, and irritability and all the hope they hold.  I am excited to announce the news to my in-laws this weekend.  I am grateful for the way our baby has already brought my husband and I even closer together, and for the happiness the news has brought to my parents, brother, and close friends.  I am grateful for this responsibility, and I will try to embrace each precious prenatal moment!