A Merciful Challenge

This past Sunday, our priest Fr Thom's homily was about mercy and forgiveness, and how God showers all of us with each.  What stood out to me most was his description of different types of mercy, one of which was "a loving challenge to help us grow."  I haven't often thought about mercy in that way before.  When we are presented with challenges in our lives, we don't often think about those challenges and difficulties as embodying "mercy." I was grateful to be prompted to think about mercy in this way, because pregnancy, childbirth, and raising children are nothing if not loving challenges that help us to grow.  Mercy isn't just about God giving us what we want or alleviating our pain; it can also be about entrusting us with new responsibilities. 

Framing my pregnancy as a challenge God wants me to experience instead of merely a lucky and possibly fleeting blessing that I may or may not deserve (in my own mind) helps to expand my view of what this time in my life is really about.  A lot of my guilt has been coming from thinking that I don't deserve to "get what I want," in this case, a baby.  But is this really about what I want, or about what about what a baby needs?  Don't I want a child specifically because I am thirsting for the privilege to impart wisdom, lessons about self-love and acceptance, spirituality, hope, and kindness to a brand new member of God's family?

During our wedding ceremony, my husband and I were asked, "Will you accept children willingly and lovingly from God?" to which we replied, "Yes."  Fr Thom's question was not, "Will you accept children but question whether God made the right choice?"

**
 

Galo:  he made the right choice to choose you

me:  us  

Galo:  yeah us

Galo:  I love you. You are going to be a great mom

me: 

me:  you are going to be a great dad

True Gratitude

The priest who married my husband and I last November says adopting gratitude is the best first step in accepting God's path-of-life invitation.  Now that we're expecting our first child in April, after being unsure how difficult it would be to conceive due to my diagnosis of polycystic ovarian syndrome (it only took approximately two months), gratitude seems like it should be an easy practice.  And of course, I am in fact very grateful for the way my body has been allowed to serve as a vessel for our baby for the past twelve weeks.

However, I've found that it has also been easy to doubt a positive future, feel unworthy of my blessings, and experience guilt knowing that other families struggle and suffer in ways mine hasn't had to thus far.  For me, there has been some amount of preemptive grieving in these early months of pregnancy.  Whether that premature grief is meant to "prepare" me for a painful outcome or serve to empathize with those who are actually grieving is unclear to me.  A part of me wonders if I believe I have to earn the right to be happy by suffering first.

Everyone has their own crosses to bear in life.  I've begun to realize that I spend a lot of time punishing myself for not having to bear certain crosses while other people struggle under their weight.  I think that by expecting the worst outcome, I am aligning myself with those who are suffering.  If I expect the best outcome, I am disrespecting them.  I am being naive, acting superior, and behaving as if I'm entitled to the happiness that has eluded others.

But I think I've been missing the mark all this time.  True gratitude means you're allowed to be joyful simply because you're alive, simply because God is present.  You don't have to earn the right to be happy-- and believing that doesn't mean you're entitled or naive.  Having faith in any given moment simply means you're embracing the moment instead of shrinking from it.  True gratitude is about what exists right now, not about trying to guess what will exist in the future.

So, for right now, I am happy for the fatigue and nausea, for the aches, acne, and irritability and all the hope they hold.  I am excited to announce the news to my in-laws this weekend.  I am grateful for the way our baby has already brought my husband and I even closer together, and for the happiness the news has brought to my parents, brother, and close friends.  I am grateful for this responsibility, and I will try to embrace each precious prenatal moment!