I am the handmaid of the Lord

Seeing as it's two days after Christmas, I'm a little behind in my Advent post...

During this Advent season, it was natural for me to think about "waiting" in the context of pregnancy.  The typical challenges and privileges of the Advent season were that much more apparent for me this year.  Advent is a time of waiting in hopeful anticipation, of being watchful, humble, trusting, vulnerable, open, mindful and patient.  Of being aware of our need for God, and finding a way to be okay with that need even during the times we would prefer to be in control ourselves.

This really describes the entire experience of pregnancy.  It is one of the best practices in being patient and trusting, and certainly requires you to be vulnerable and humble in mind, body and spirit.  There is little room for vanity or control.  As Fr Thom described it during one of his Advent sermons, God is the potter and we are the clay.  As the potter, God is in control and molds us and our children at each stage of life.

However, we as the clay also reveal ourselves to the potter.  I like this distinction because it emphasizes our individuality and the unique relationship each of us has or can have with God.  He is not just molding each of us to be like the next.  He calls us to discover the truth about who we are and bear that truth to Him in our own ways.  To live in fullness, make use of our time, and shine the light of who we are, the way God shines His light upon us.  We are each created in goodness and strength but there are a million different ways to express those gifts.

I can't wait to see how our daughter will eventually express her gifts.

Although Advent is a time of waiting for something that is to come, I think it's also a time of living in the moment and trusting in it.  This is the sacred moment.  Sometimes in moments of beautiful clarity, when I'm feeling safest and most secure, I end up feeling sad or anxious.  I worry as I think about how the beauty and safety I'm experiencing are sure to be fleeting, as all moments are.  But it recently occurred to me that although this moment is fleeting, my gratitude can be eternal.  When gratitude is ceaseless and unchanging, so is faith.

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Songs for a New World, Christmas Lullaby:

I'll never have the power to control the land
Or conquer half the world, or claim the sun
I'll never be the kind who simply waves her hand
And has a million people do the things I wish I'd done
But in the eyes of Heaven, my place is assured
I carry with me Heaven's grand design
Gloria, Glory I will sing the name of the Lord
And He will make me shine

And I will be like Mother Mary, with a blessing in my soul
And I will give the world my eyes so they can see
And I will be like Mother Mary, with a blessing in my soul
And the future of the world inside of me
And I will be like Mother Mary, with the power in my veins
To believe in all the things I've yet to be
And I will be like Mother Mary, and I'll suffer any pains
For the future of the world
For the future of the world
Inside of me

Child of Our Dreams

Holy Child of poverty, so lowly is Your birth
Sharing our humanity, embracing all the Earth
Every nation, every race, every person wears your face
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

Joyful Child of mystery, come warm our winter night
Fire our dull complacency and fill us with Your light
Speak the word that makes us whole, lead each lost and hungry soul
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

Sacred Child of ecstacy, creation sings Your love
Light gives back Your radiancy and fills the skies above
Gentle glow from candle light, splendor of the stars of night
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

Child of all eternity, our justice and our peace
Born into our history, that hatreds all may cease
Bring us all to life from death
Be our hope, our joy, our breath
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

~Marty Haugen

Partnership

My cup of blessing overflows when I think about my husband, Galo.

I won't pretend that either of us embody perfection in our marriage, as that is simply impossible.  I won't even say that we're "perfect for each other," because there are times when--for whatever reason-- we aren't able to meet each other's expectations.  I will say, however, that we are right for each other and are a blessing to each other.

During the more difficult days of my pregnancy so far, Galo has provided for me (and our baby) in the simplest and most loving ways.  He cooks, cleans, and shops without complaint when all I can seem to do is sleep, despite the fact that he also has to keep on top of a very demanding and time-consuming job.  He encourages me to make self-care a priority.  He asks me what he can do to help if he honestly doesn't know what I need.  He cracks jokes when I need to smile.  He's honest with me about how he's feeling, which can be quite helpful and demystifying and allows us to share the emotional responsibility that parents-to-be carry.  He is always quick with a genuine compliment and words of admiration, and makes me feel beautiful when I would otherwise be horrified about what's happening to my appearance.  I look forward to seeing him at the end of each day and feel comforted waking up next to him each morning.

Okay, so now I am making him sound perfect!  The truth is, it has taken the five months of our pregnancy to find our balance; it has been and continues to be a process, and one that is brand new for both of us.  Galo initially struggled to manage his anxiety about the pregnancy and the future in general, and didn't always know how to access or communicate the kind of faith and hopeful anticipation he radiates now.  I'm learning that an important part of being married to someone is being patient when they need time to adjust to new situations.  How one's spouse first reacts to a life event or even just a bad day is not necessarily how they will react after having had time to process and reflect.  As humans, we all need time to come to terms with new life circumstances.  Things that affect us psychologically and spiritually will never be resolved overnight.  It's a privilege to have the opportunity to be patient with your spouse, to get to bear witness to their journey and impact it in quiet and loving ways, all the while knowing that God is the One true witness to their journey.  He is the One perfect party in a marriage.

Traveling home from our Thanksgiving celebrations, I decided to share with Galo the anxiety I was feeling now that all of our friends and family know that we're having a girl and even call her by name.  It is exhilarating and terrifying all at once.  She has existed this whole time, but more than ever before she feels like a real presence, someone right here with us in the room. (Someone doing somersaults inside me!  Talk about feeling like a real presence!) I am thrilled to have her and feel her here with us, but the idea of losing her or something bad happening to her is only becoming more and more unbearable. I worried that if I shared this with Galo he would get upset as he has in the past; he has implored me to think positively.  So I prefaced it by assuring him that this fear is not persistent or all-consuming, that most of the time I’m able to access optimism and faith and pure excitement.  But all the same, naming our child and hearing loved ones call her by name has presented somewhat of an unexpected challenge—of course, one that I’m happy to be facing.  

Choosing to share my feelings despite being unsure of how Galo would react was a leap of faith and an act of bravery in itself, one that was met with a calm and empathetic response.  He shared that he has had similar feelings since discovering the gender of our baby and giving her a name.  The conversation that followed wasn’t lengthy or overly emotional, just honest.  Just two spouses and parents-to-be offering empathy to each other.  The fact that I can even write about it without it conjuring up anxiety is a blessing, and perhaps God’s way of showing me that trusting in my partnership with my husband will unlock more and more experiences of gratitude as time goes on.