The "fourth trimester" is
complete! Nina is twelve weeks old this past Sunday. She wiggles
deeper and deeper into our hearts every day!
When she was born, I
decided my goal would be to blog at least once per month so I'd be able to
release my thoughts, lessons, revelations, developments and stress during this
new parental whirlwind. Didn’t quite meet my June goal, but did start writing this entry in June, so that
counts, right? During my free moments this past month I've been
sneaking cat naps, a few pages of reading (Gone Girl at the moment), a quick sandwich or
cup of coffee, or a relaxing shower. When I have longer periods of time
to myself (by the grace of Nina's Daddy, Nonni, Papa and/or Uncle Dan), I've
been sweating out stress and shaking off exhaustion at Zumba class
or jamming at rehearsal with the New Roads Orchestra. It's been
challenging but also enjoyable for me to have my weekend "gigs" at
church as a wedding singer, cantor, and band member, which allow me to pick up
a little extra money and soak in the peace of a spiritual setting, as well
as provide me with a musical outlet and the ability to utilize my non-Mommy
gifts--especially now that I've officially quit my regular job.
Though surreal, I am embracing my new identity
as stay-at-home-Mom during the week and professional musician on the
weekends!
Nina and I have been enjoying our days
together. When she isn't crying, eating, spitting up, pooping, or
learning to giggle, we go for long walks on the bike path, visit our favorite
bakery coffee shop, or sit by the pond. As of last week we also started
attending "Making Music Praying Twice" for babies and toddlers!
Now that the first three months are behind us,
I am (somewhat) able to reflect upon what it was like to bring
home and care for a newborn baby, the experience made hazy by sleep
deprivation, stress, and what has felt like a magical personal transformation.
I feel as though I've been walking on clouds and living in an alternate
universe these last twelve weeks. In some ways I can compare it to
being fuzzily intoxicated, an overwhelmed but giddy kind of drunk.
I am the happy hammered girl who wants to be everyone's friend, is
uninhibited, carefree and confident in what I can only hope is an endearing
sort of way...always just moments away from completely passing out.
If such a girl can be trusted at all (humor
me), here is the start of my hot-off-the press, brand-new-Mommy advice and
guide for surviving the first 4-6 weeks of parenthood.
1) Keeping a loose grip
on [fill-in-the-blank...everything except faith] is key. In the beginning, absolutely
everything is going to be trial and error, so you cannot keep a tight grasp on
any preconceived ideas or anything you try initially. If one thing
doesn't work, adjust or try something new entirely without overanalyzing.
Judging yourself (or your partner for that matter) during this process is
a waste of time and energy, both of which are in ridiculously short supply, so
don't even bother being anything but kind to yourself.
2) Do what you can,
little by little. Your
entire understanding of how quickly and efficiently something “should” progress
will be turned on its head. Patience
as a new parent (and especially a breastfeeding Mom) is a patience all its own. (For that matter, the entire process
requires a unique kind of patience from the moment you decide to become a
parent -- first attempting to conceive and then experiencing pregnancy, labor
and delivery, followed by postpartum recovery and nursing.) Expect everything in the first 2+
weeks to take notably longer than usual. Even
something as simple as a shower will take you double the normal amount of time
because of sleep deprivation and your mind being overloaded. You won’t be able to process thoughts
as efficiently and therefore won’t be able to perform tasks the way you
normally would and within the timeframe to which you’ve been accustomed.
Remember that every obstacle you face is temporary and will absolutely improve with time
and practice.
3) You will need to
find a balance between “seizing the day” and patiently waiting for things to
happen in their time. This
is a perpetual challenge and certainly a natural stumbling block, so when in
doubt, just try to stay in the present moment.
4) Feelings are just
visitors—let them come and go. The
range of emotions as a brand new parent is unlike anything I’ve ever
experienced, and I’m a pretty emotional person! Give yourself permission to feel your
feelings without dwelling on them. Also
give your partner permission to do the same. You will both need some “free passes”
in the emotion department.
5) You need all of your energy to go into caring for
your child and for yourself. There
is no time or space for self-judgment or ridicule and it is irresponsible to
waste valuable energy on those practices. I’ve found that self-love and
self-encouragement is the most responsible path to take as a parent.
6) Put an auto-response
on your email/voicemail/texts. I
was not prepared to feel so overwhelmed by people wanting to talk and visit in
the first few weeks. I put
a huge amount of pressure on myself to make everyone feel included, updated, in
the loop, and happy. I also somehow expected myself to
continue to meet others’ needs and be there for friends and family as I
normally would. I thought
once I had a baby it would just feel natural to focus on my needs and her
needs; looking ahead during pregnancy, it seemed so obvious that I would need
to focus on our tiny family in the beginning. But lack of sleep and being utterly
overwhelmed weakens your ability to rationalize. Under other circumstances I might have
been able to tell myself, “Maria, this is a unique time of need for you, so you
cannot take care of other people’s feelings right now and that’s okay.” Under other circumstances I might have
been able to take that to heart. But
my emotions were so heightened and irrational in those first weeks, dictated by
drastic hormonal shifts and sleep deprivation, that all I could seem to take to
heart was overwhelming guilt, sorrow, anger and resentment towards others who
either simply couldn’t understand what I was going through due to lack of their
own experience having children, or only had my best interest in mind and didn’t expect me to get back to them when they
reached out.
I wasn’t prepared to need so much physical
recovery time myself, nevermind emotional space and understanding. In addition to coping with physical
concerns (such as bleeding for five weeks postpartum—um, yeah, didn’t know that was a possibility!), I had to grieve
the loss of my previous sense of identity and adjust to my brand new life role.
All to say that if you’re like me and think
you might have trouble basically ignoring people in those early days, I would
recommend putting an auto-response on all forms of communication you typically
use. (Note: There are apps you can purchase for smart phones that will enable you to set up an auto-response for your text messages.) You can craft a
message that feels comfortable to you and expresses what you wish you could say
to all those people who want to be a part of this most important time in your
life.
Here’s a sample one:
“Hi, thanks for calling/writing. Nina Anastasia was born on April 5th weighing 7 pounds, 3 ounces. Thanks for all your messages! We love you all. We’re enjoying the Babymoon for a few
weeks but we’ll be in touch as soon as we come up for air!”
7) Assert your right
for education about postpartum issues. There
are many problems with the health care system in our country, but certainly one
of them is that doctors do not seem to have the time to get into postpartum
education with their OBGYN patients, seeming to depend on the hospital workers
to impart that vital information after delivery. In a way, that seems reasonable since
during prenatal visits there’s already enough to talk about regarding
pregnancy, but relying on a two day hospital stay to provide all postnatal
education is unrealistic and irresponsible, especially since nowadays many new
parents “room in” with their newborns and therefore do not get any sleep while
in the hospital. I was not
in any position to learn everything I needed to learn about what I might
experience in my body in the first six weeks postpartum: what was normal, what
would be concerning, etc. In
those unimaginably quick two days in the hospital, I was recovering from a
postpartum hemorrhage, receiving antibiotics, trying to breastfeed every 1-2
hours, and filling out birth certificate paperwork in the middle of the night
(while also putting pressure on myself to respond to texts and calls!!!
WHAT???!). I would recommend
that women and their partners ask for a postpartum educational visit with their
OBGYN in the final weeks of pregnancy. If
you’re too exhausted and/or overwhelmed and emotional to take in this
information (can’t imagine why that would be, at nine months pregnant!), bring
your partner with you to take notes for you. Significant swelling of the feet, body
temperature regulation issues (aka, waking up freezing cold, shaking, and unable to get
warm), ongoing bleeding and lack of desire to eat were just a few of the
experiences I had in my body that I was unaware could happen after giving birth. If they offer to send you home with an order
for a visiting nurse, ACCEPT IT— even if you think you won’t need it. You can always cancel the visit if you want
to, but it’s very likely you’ll be glad for the additional support. Mine was just a brief visit a couple of days after
coming home from the hospital, but it was a huge help.
8) At first you may not
be able to sleep even “when the baby sleeps.” I had a ton of adrenaline pulsing through me in
those first two weeks. The
first week, I literally refused to sleep—not because I wasn’t exhausted, but
because I felt wired and anxious. When
the loved ones around me insisted I sleep, I would become very upset
and irritable because I didn’t have the internal calm I needed to rest. I also had a complete lack of desire
to eat which didn’t help in the useful energy department. Every time my body became
hungry, I felt anxious and upset because I didn’t want to eat anything. I wasn’t expecting either of those
problems and it was alarming. If this happens to you, hang in there and know it
will pass. You will start
to be able to sleep for an hour at a time and then the time will gradually
lengthen. Eat your absolute
favorite foods, even just a couple of bites. I ate Doritos, M&Ms, and bagels…
it was better than nothing. Your
baby will get the nutrition he or she needs from your milk regardless. After a couple of weeks you should be
able to tolerate other foods.
9) DO NOT WORRY ABOUT
LOSING THE BABY WEIGHT IN THE FIRST THREE MONTHS. Don’t even factor it in. Your body just went through hell in
order to produce a miracle, and will continue to be miraculous as you recover
and breastfeed. Why would
you punish it by insisting that it revert to an unattainable ideal, or even
your version of normal, in the first twelve weeks? Even if you had the time and energy to
do so it’s unadvisable to exercise in the first six weeks anyway, so how on
earth would one even begin to “get in shape”? Think about it. Treat your body like the temple it is
and laugh off anyone’s comments about your body. (Or if you have the energy, educate
them about self-love and respect for women’s bodies.)
10) Snuggle that baby. As I have read and heard from
countless sources, you cannot “spoil” your baby in the early days. So
snuggle away!
Nina in her first weeks at home :-)
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