Radical Acceptance

Gratitude is easy today... I met with a nutritionist at the hospital where I'll be delivering and it was an entirely positive experience!  I was nervous for her input; I worried about being judged, reprimanded or hearing information that would make me feel more anxious or less capable than I already sometimes feel.  But that wasn't the case at all.  Instead, I received validation, encouragement, praise, and reasonable suggestions presented with kindness.  I left feeling empowered and as though my bravery and openness were rewarded--for that I'm extremely grateful.

Flexibility is the name of the game when you're pregnant (and in life in general) and I'm proud to say that aside from the occasional stressed-out moment of overwhelming desire to have control,  flexibility has been a regular practice for me, one that I'm getting better at each day.  I'm finding that it actually comes relatively naturally to me!  (No one's more surprised by this than I am.)  It has resulted in even more gratitude and reasons to have faith in the future.  I'm hopeful that being flexible now during pregnancy bodes well for my ability to adjust as a parent. 

One example: When asked if I will be breast-feeding, I hear myself calmly saying, "I hope to, if all goes well."  That's not even a response I've had to carefully craft beforehand in order to be ready for the question; it's just the truth, and somehow I'm able to express it without second-guessing myself.  Amazing!  As a first-time mom, I truly do not know what to expect (yes, even though I have read What to Expect When You're Expecting) and I'm not going to pretend that my plans are set in stone.  Even if this was my second child, every pregnancy, birth, and baby is different.  My intuition is telling me to remain open and greet each moment when it arrives.  Never underestimate the power of confidently not giving question-askers definitive answers, my pregnant friends!  

I don't think my husband and I were adequately prepared for the amount of stress and tension that differences of opinion about child-rearing could cause within a family.  Since this is the first grandchild for both of our families, we delightfully focused on absorbing the excitement and joy that followed our pregnancy announcement.  But in the blink of an eye, weeks and months have gone by and we're finding family members have more to say on the subject of parenting as we inch closer and closer to our due date.  It's natural to hope and dream that a new addition to a family would bring nothing but bundles of love and happiness, but it's also realistic to recognize that new arrivals can dredge up long-standing disagreements and hurts between its preexisting members.  Knowing how to sensitively and lovingly address these issues is especially challenging when my first priority is preparing to be responsible for a helpless newborn.  She will arrive among us in a completely innocent state; none of the pain or anger that may hover around the family from previous conflict will be her fault.

I recently heard a coworker use the phrase "radical acceptance."  I don't think he meant to use it in a profound way at the time, but it stayed with me.  After all, what is acceptance if it isn't radical?  Acceptance of any circumstance beyond our control is likely to be a challenge that requires a leap of faith, perhaps even placing our own understanding on the back burner.  Another person's perspective is dependent on a lifetime of experiences and interactions, many of which we may know nothing about.  Therefore, I'm wondering if it's possible for me to exercise radical acceptance of those perspectives, particularly if I wish to maintain loving relationships with the people who hold them.  (It doesn't mean I have to agree with them-- just let go of the desire to change them.)  Perhaps that's the best way to cope with troubled relationships at a time when the most significant relationship in one's life is just on the cusp of beginning: the relationship between parent and child, with all of its responsibility and wonder.

I pray that God would allow me and my husband to continue our journey of openness, grant us experiences of radical acceptance for the sake of nurturing love within our families, and help us to teach our daughter to do the same.

30 weeks...

Well, I had a feeling life would suddenly seem to be on fast-forward after the holidays and once Galo returned home from his trip, and I was right!  The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of anxiety and excitement, a mixture of frustration and elation, anger and relief.  There have been some days of feeling blue and overwhelmed and others of pure confidence and pride.  I suppose this is just a preview of the emotional roller-coaster still to come.

With so much unfolding so quickly, it's easy to get caught up in the next item on the "to do" list instead of fully experiencing each instance of gratitude, of which there are many.  The first piece of happy news arrived shortly after my last post: my glucose test showed I was in the normal range and subsequently I have NOT been diagnosed with gestational diabetes!  One thing's for sure: I have learned so much from this pregnancy about not jumping to conclusions, and it has reframed the way I think about my personal health and wellness.  First of all, my health really does feel more "personal."  I am less inclined to compare myself to others and am more eager to experience things the way my individual body and mind experience them.  In the recent past, hearing or reading that I am "at higher risk" for [fill in the blank] triggered my anxiety and significantly threatened my sense of wellbeing.  Now, I take it with a grain of salt, knowing that even if I am considered to be in a "higher risk" category I am still a unique individual with a unique experience of health and I cannot be put into a box.  I can have faith in my health and be just as prepared for smooth sailing as I am for stormy seas.

Over the years I constructed an image of myself as "unwell" or "unworthy" in a number of ways, emotionally and physically, perhaps as a way of being better prepared for that to actually be the case.  The logic behind it is flawed, to say the least.  It is not God's intention for me to build walls of lies around myself as protection against an unknown future.  And living life that way certainly flies in the face of gratitude.  While I was searching for love, I told myself I would end up alone as a way of being prepared for that outcome.  Once I was happily married, I told myself starting a family would present a lot of challenges and I might never be able to have children.  Once I became pregnant (easily!), I told myself I would have a difficult pregnancy both physically and emotionally and run into health issues, many of which could be directly tied to my own "irresponsibility."  Well, I'm almost 30 weeks along now and my pregnancy has been wonderfully uneventful; the most difficult symptoms have been fatigue and a mere two or so weeks of back issues in my second trimester.  My anxiety is under control.  The few tears I have shed have been due to situational triggers and not feelings of hopelessness or depression.

It would be a tragedy not to learn from this, to not take this moment to be done with this twisted understanding of how to "protect" myself.  Expecting the worst from the world and believing I am broken does not protect me.  Instead, it lowers my self-esteem, denies my blessings, limits my growth, and would certainly be an unfortunate perspective to model for my child.  Why not believe I am whole and complete in God and draw a sense of protection and peace from that truth?

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?  Your Heavenly Father knows you have need.  So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself."
~Matthew 6:26-34

New Year, Same Gratitude

Praise God, I made it to my third trimester!!!

Although the New Year is a time of new beginnings and a fresh start, this particular January is clearly signaling to me that I'm heading down the home stretch and getting ready to wrap things up.  My due date is three months from today, and my husband returns from his journey to his home country of Ecuador in four days.  He and I began the new year in separate countries and it has been difficult for me to be apart from him for the last two weeks, but soon he'll be back and I feel like we'll officially be ready to prepare for our baby's arrival.  We've been preparing emotionally for all these months, and very soon it will be time to prepare in practical ways.  It's very surreal, wildly exciting, and thoroughly terrifying.

It feels as though since Galo left on his trip, just in these last two weeks since Christmas, I am really pregnant.  I feel much bigger, more uncomfortable, and somewhat short of breath.  And this is definitely the most movement I've felt so far... I feel like my little one is catapulting herself against all corners of my stomach! It is amazing but pretty disconcerting, especially in the middle of the night or in the wee hours of the morning.  Now I'm even able to see my tummy move!  One unfortunate consequence of being "more" pregnant is fielding an increasing number of intrusive and sometimes hurtful comments and questions.  I've gotten, "You're carrying SO big!" "You're getting bigger by the day!" "That's gonna be a big baby!" "Are you sure there's only one in there?" "Is your husband especially tall?" (He isn't.) "Have you gained a lot of weight?"

As someone who has struggled with weight concerns and a troubled relationship with food for most of her life, I always thought pregnancy would be a freeing and enjoyable time for me, maybe even healing.  And in a lot of ways, it certainly has been.  I have let go in ways I never thought possible, and have maintained optimism and hope in the face of the hugest unknown in my life so far.  I have grown even more loving and connected to my husband, which I didn’t know was possible.  And I do in fact feel more connected to my own body in a positive way.  I feel very grateful to my body for allowing me the experience of being pregnant.

However, pregnancy is not the “free pass” that society makes it out to be.  There's a misconception that pregnant women can eat whatever they want and in unlimited quantities.  If anything, I feel more pressure and have an even greater fear of judgment and feelings of guilt.  Don’t get me wrong— as I write this I’m eating a chocolate glazed donut.  And it is delicious.  So my guilt can’t be that all-consuming.  But it’s there and it bothers me.

On the one hand, I'm constantly being told by friends, family, acquaintances and strangers alike, "You're pregnant! If ever there were a time to indulge, now is that time!"  (I heard this even more during the holidays.)  On the other hand, everything I read about pregnancy implores women to be the healthiest they have ever been for the sake of their unborn child.  If pre-pregnancy you were a woman who ate a fair diet and only exercised occasionally, you should now exercise daily and eat tons of fruits, vegetables, and other foods packed with essential nutrients. Yes, pregnancy causes a lot of fatigue, back aches and general all-over-body-aches, but exercising is a must for your health during pregnancy and also helps with labor.  Certainly don't drink alcohol or eat cold deli meats, sushi, unpasteurized cheese or juice, runny eggs, undercooked meats, or too much tuna, sugar, fat, caffeine, or white carbohydrates.  But eat to your heart's content!

Needless to say, I've gotten some mixed messages.

(This also applies to pampering oneself:  Pregnancy is a time to make yourself a priority and indulge in some guilt-free pampering.  Just note it may be detrimental to your unborn baby if you color your hair, use nailpolish, apply certain types of make-up, get certain treatments during a facial, or use harmful kinds of perfume or body lotions.  And massaging your feet the wrong way could trigger contractions and propel you into pre-term labor.  But otherwise, enjoy! No guilt!)

On top of the emotional and mental struggles I have historically had with food, physically, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which only seems to further convince me that my lifestyle is “wrong.”  I have been told that due to having PCOS, I am at greater risk for developing gestational diabetes.  (However, I was also told I would likely face fertility issues because of PCOS, which was not the case!)  I am very nervous for my glucose test next week, mostly because I am afraid that if I’m diagnosed with gestational diabetes I won’t be able to forgive myself… which alone should tell you I have a warped perspective on my condition.  When it comes down to it, I don’t think I have been adequately educated about PCOS.  I have tried to inform myself: I have done a substantial amount of reading and have tried to ask questions of my endocrinologist and OB-gyn.  But my visits with my doctors always feel too rushed, and out of fear of seeming “entitled” (to more information or better explanations...gasp!) I end up being a poor self-advocate.  Furthermore, reading about PCOS often triggers my anxiety.  At one point I decided to stop doing research online and instead order a book called The PCOS Diet Plan by Hillary Wright, M. Ed, RD.  I really liked what I read about her and the book seemed to be just what I needed.  I purchased it and read parts of it that were helpful, but it still increased my anxiety and I still felt like the literature was too generalized.  Knowing a few other women who have PCOS, I’ve found the syndrome manifests itself in very different ways and there is no one way to experience it.  In the end, I just kind of gave up and decided (somewhat unconsciously) that my experience of PCOS is my own fault and any health consequence that presents itself is a statement about my character and inability to employ self-control.

It doesn’t help to hear from doctors that based on my height (which is less than 5’1”), I “should have” weighed 110-120 pounds pre-pregnancy, and the fact that I weighed more than that subsequently means my weight gain during pregnancy should be limited to 15 pounds.  How do I tell a doctor that the last time I weighed 120 lbs was in the sixth grade, and the last time I weighed 100-110 lbs was in the eighth grade when I was engaged in anorexic behaviors?  As a thirteen-year-old, in order to lose 20+ lbs I had to dangerously restrict my calorie intake and exercise daily.  As a twenty-seven-year-old pre-pregnancy, how much more would I have had to restrict my eating in order to achieve the “correct” BMI, taking into account that my metabolism was likely slower at age 27 than at age 13?  And you’re telling me that’s healthy?  That I am more "at risk" for having a higher BMI?  I don't understand the logic behind ignoring individual differences.  Does it really make sense to expect every woman who is five feet tall (or any height) to weigh the same amount in order to be considered healthy?

I suppose the answer to my question "how do I tell a doctor..." is quite literally, tell my doctor.  Simply vocalize the above information.  Maybe the next time I’m presented with the BMI argument, I’ll have the courage to shed the light of my personal experience.  But I'm not sure.

What I do know is, like everything else in my life, I cannot face this issue head-on without God’s help and being fully aware of His love and encouragement of my health.  Health is a complicated concept, but it all comes down to being kind to yourself.  God models that kindness for a reason, so that we may follow His example, not just in expressing kindness to others but to ourselves.

"Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.  Therefore glorify God in your body."

~Corinthians 3:16

I am the handmaid of the Lord

Seeing as it's two days after Christmas, I'm a little behind in my Advent post...

During this Advent season, it was natural for me to think about "waiting" in the context of pregnancy.  The typical challenges and privileges of the Advent season were that much more apparent for me this year.  Advent is a time of waiting in hopeful anticipation, of being watchful, humble, trusting, vulnerable, open, mindful and patient.  Of being aware of our need for God, and finding a way to be okay with that need even during the times we would prefer to be in control ourselves.

This really describes the entire experience of pregnancy.  It is one of the best practices in being patient and trusting, and certainly requires you to be vulnerable and humble in mind, body and spirit.  There is little room for vanity or control.  As Fr Thom described it during one of his Advent sermons, God is the potter and we are the clay.  As the potter, God is in control and molds us and our children at each stage of life.

However, we as the clay also reveal ourselves to the potter.  I like this distinction because it emphasizes our individuality and the unique relationship each of us has or can have with God.  He is not just molding each of us to be like the next.  He calls us to discover the truth about who we are and bear that truth to Him in our own ways.  To live in fullness, make use of our time, and shine the light of who we are, the way God shines His light upon us.  We are each created in goodness and strength but there are a million different ways to express those gifts.

I can't wait to see how our daughter will eventually express her gifts.

Although Advent is a time of waiting for something that is to come, I think it's also a time of living in the moment and trusting in it.  This is the sacred moment.  Sometimes in moments of beautiful clarity, when I'm feeling safest and most secure, I end up feeling sad or anxious.  I worry as I think about how the beauty and safety I'm experiencing are sure to be fleeting, as all moments are.  But it recently occurred to me that although this moment is fleeting, my gratitude can be eternal.  When gratitude is ceaseless and unchanging, so is faith.

**

Songs for a New World, Christmas Lullaby:

I'll never have the power to control the land
Or conquer half the world, or claim the sun
I'll never be the kind who simply waves her hand
And has a million people do the things I wish I'd done
But in the eyes of Heaven, my place is assured
I carry with me Heaven's grand design
Gloria, Glory I will sing the name of the Lord
And He will make me shine

And I will be like Mother Mary, with a blessing in my soul
And I will give the world my eyes so they can see
And I will be like Mother Mary, with a blessing in my soul
And the future of the world inside of me
And I will be like Mother Mary, with the power in my veins
To believe in all the things I've yet to be
And I will be like Mother Mary, and I'll suffer any pains
For the future of the world
For the future of the world
Inside of me

Child of Our Dreams

Holy Child of poverty, so lowly is Your birth
Sharing our humanity, embracing all the Earth
Every nation, every race, every person wears your face
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

Joyful Child of mystery, come warm our winter night
Fire our dull complacency and fill us with Your light
Speak the word that makes us whole, lead each lost and hungry soul
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

Sacred Child of ecstacy, creation sings Your love
Light gives back Your radiancy and fills the skies above
Gentle glow from candle light, splendor of the stars of night
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

Child of all eternity, our justice and our peace
Born into our history, that hatreds all may cease
Bring us all to life from death
Be our hope, our joy, our breath
Come anew, oh Child of our dreams

~Marty Haugen

Partnership

My cup of blessing overflows when I think about my husband, Galo.

I won't pretend that either of us embody perfection in our marriage, as that is simply impossible.  I won't even say that we're "perfect for each other," because there are times when--for whatever reason-- we aren't able to meet each other's expectations.  I will say, however, that we are right for each other and are a blessing to each other.

During the more difficult days of my pregnancy so far, Galo has provided for me (and our baby) in the simplest and most loving ways.  He cooks, cleans, and shops without complaint when all I can seem to do is sleep, despite the fact that he also has to keep on top of a very demanding and time-consuming job.  He encourages me to make self-care a priority.  He asks me what he can do to help if he honestly doesn't know what I need.  He cracks jokes when I need to smile.  He's honest with me about how he's feeling, which can be quite helpful and demystifying and allows us to share the emotional responsibility that parents-to-be carry.  He is always quick with a genuine compliment and words of admiration, and makes me feel beautiful when I would otherwise be horrified about what's happening to my appearance.  I look forward to seeing him at the end of each day and feel comforted waking up next to him each morning.

Okay, so now I am making him sound perfect!  The truth is, it has taken the five months of our pregnancy to find our balance; it has been and continues to be a process, and one that is brand new for both of us.  Galo initially struggled to manage his anxiety about the pregnancy and the future in general, and didn't always know how to access or communicate the kind of faith and hopeful anticipation he radiates now.  I'm learning that an important part of being married to someone is being patient when they need time to adjust to new situations.  How one's spouse first reacts to a life event or even just a bad day is not necessarily how they will react after having had time to process and reflect.  As humans, we all need time to come to terms with new life circumstances.  Things that affect us psychologically and spiritually will never be resolved overnight.  It's a privilege to have the opportunity to be patient with your spouse, to get to bear witness to their journey and impact it in quiet and loving ways, all the while knowing that God is the One true witness to their journey.  He is the One perfect party in a marriage.

Traveling home from our Thanksgiving celebrations, I decided to share with Galo the anxiety I was feeling now that all of our friends and family know that we're having a girl and even call her by name.  It is exhilarating and terrifying all at once.  She has existed this whole time, but more than ever before she feels like a real presence, someone right here with us in the room. (Someone doing somersaults inside me!  Talk about feeling like a real presence!) I am thrilled to have her and feel her here with us, but the idea of losing her or something bad happening to her is only becoming more and more unbearable. I worried that if I shared this with Galo he would get upset as he has in the past; he has implored me to think positively.  So I prefaced it by assuring him that this fear is not persistent or all-consuming, that most of the time I’m able to access optimism and faith and pure excitement.  But all the same, naming our child and hearing loved ones call her by name has presented somewhat of an unexpected challenge—of course, one that I’m happy to be facing.  

Choosing to share my feelings despite being unsure of how Galo would react was a leap of faith and an act of bravery in itself, one that was met with a calm and empathetic response.  He shared that he has had similar feelings since discovering the gender of our baby and giving her a name.  The conversation that followed wasn’t lengthy or overly emotional, just honest.  Just two spouses and parents-to-be offering empathy to each other.  The fact that I can even write about it without it conjuring up anxiety is a blessing, and perhaps God’s way of showing me that trusting in my partnership with my husband will unlock more and more experiences of gratitude as time goes on.

Thanksgiving Day

It's been a little while since I've posted, but what better day to return to my Gratitude Diaries than Thanksgiving Day?! I'm trying to fully grasp that this is our last holiday season as a family of two, although, in a way, I already feel like we're a family of three.  It's hard NOT to already feel like a mother when I have this life growing inside of me, a life I can actually feel moving around now!  At our ultrasound this month, we were overjoyed to discover that we're having a little girl.  I completely understand the reasoning behind wanting to wait until the baby's birthday to find out the gender, but there's something so magical and joyful in being able to refer to our little one as "she" and "her" now.  And in this case, it feels like we have been waiting to welcome our "Nina" into our family for years now.  Nina is a name we chose about five years ago!  While we would be equally blessed to be awaiting a son, I think we somehow always knew our first child would be our Nina.  We recently chose the middle name "Arabella," which means "answered prayer" or "yielding to prayer."

As for Nina: Nina is as multi-ethnic as you can get; she is a young girl in Spain, a common nickname in Russia, a Babylonian goddess of the oceans, and an Incan goddess of fire. Nina means "grace, beautiful eyes, mother, powerful, strong, mighty, fire, friend, flower, 'God was gracious' or 'God has shown favor.'" It is a Christian name derived from the original Georgian form Nino, dating back to Saint Nino and imported to Western Europe from Russia and Italy in the 19th century. This name also coincides with the Spanish word niña meaning "little girl."

With each passing week, it somehow becomes simultaneously easier to have faith in a beautiful future and more difficult, if that makes any sense at all.  With each amazingly happy development and each new little piece of wonderful news about this pregnancy, the stakes are raised that much higher.  I wish I didn't have to think about it in that way.  And much of the time, I'm able to just be grateful and excited. But there are still those moments of fear, sometimes even panic.  I know that gratitude is all about being grateful for the moment, this moment right here, right now.  I know that the best practice is to keep a gentle grasp on all circumstances, good or bad. But I think it's only human to be afraid of happiness slipping away, of an uncertain future.  I don't take my blessings for granted, but I realize there's a fine line between not taking them for granted and not believing in the "legitimacy" of those blessings. The former embodies a humble and thankful spirit; the latter embodies doubt in God's plan.  On this Thanksgiving Day, I resolve to be in the moment, to observe the blessings I'm enjoying today, regardless of what tomorrow may hold.  I have a husband who takes care of me when I'm sick, makes me laugh when I'm sad, has faith when I'm unsure, and admires me so much that he cannot stop compulsively telling me what a good mother I'll be.  I have parents who support me, friends who enrich my life and give it meaning, gifts I use on a daily basis and gifts I have yet to discover. And I have Nina Arabella, 21 weeks along--I've read she can hear quite a bit, so I hope she hears all the songs I sing and the kind words people are already saying about her.

Another thing I'm thankful for this year is that Galo and I are reaching common ground in regards to simplifying our life and minimizing our material possessions.  We are working on going through our apartment, wardrobes, etc and donating those things we do not need and could be better used by others. For every new item we purchase, we strive to donate something else.  I'm enjoying preparing our home for our child so we can all live a calm and clutter-free life.  The less clutter we have, the freer we feel.  The less we feel compelled to own, the greater appreciation we have for the priceless pieces of our lives.  Each holiday season I experience anxiety and dread when I think about shopping lists.  It just doesn't seem like it should have to be that way.  Every time I see a Black Friday commercial or advertisement email I get angry and a little sick to my stomach.  With all the problems in our country and the world, it just seems like we could all stand to realize that materialism is a temporary distraction, nothing more.  We will never find the happiness and peace we hunger for through Black Friday purchases, expensive Christmas presents, or stressful shopping lists.  All the time spent planning and purchasing throughout the holidays could be better spent together, finding common ground, reflecting, and helping each other access hope for the new year to come.  Oh, and singing Christmas carols, of course.