Radical Acceptance

Gratitude is easy today... I met with a nutritionist at the hospital where I'll be delivering and it was an entirely positive experience!  I was nervous for her input; I worried about being judged, reprimanded or hearing information that would make me feel more anxious or less capable than I already sometimes feel.  But that wasn't the case at all.  Instead, I received validation, encouragement, praise, and reasonable suggestions presented with kindness.  I left feeling empowered and as though my bravery and openness were rewarded--for that I'm extremely grateful.

Flexibility is the name of the game when you're pregnant (and in life in general) and I'm proud to say that aside from the occasional stressed-out moment of overwhelming desire to have control,  flexibility has been a regular practice for me, one that I'm getting better at each day.  I'm finding that it actually comes relatively naturally to me!  (No one's more surprised by this than I am.)  It has resulted in even more gratitude and reasons to have faith in the future.  I'm hopeful that being flexible now during pregnancy bodes well for my ability to adjust as a parent. 

One example: When asked if I will be breast-feeding, I hear myself calmly saying, "I hope to, if all goes well."  That's not even a response I've had to carefully craft beforehand in order to be ready for the question; it's just the truth, and somehow I'm able to express it without second-guessing myself.  Amazing!  As a first-time mom, I truly do not know what to expect (yes, even though I have read What to Expect When You're Expecting) and I'm not going to pretend that my plans are set in stone.  Even if this was my second child, every pregnancy, birth, and baby is different.  My intuition is telling me to remain open and greet each moment when it arrives.  Never underestimate the power of confidently not giving question-askers definitive answers, my pregnant friends!  

I don't think my husband and I were adequately prepared for the amount of stress and tension that differences of opinion about child-rearing could cause within a family.  Since this is the first grandchild for both of our families, we delightfully focused on absorbing the excitement and joy that followed our pregnancy announcement.  But in the blink of an eye, weeks and months have gone by and we're finding family members have more to say on the subject of parenting as we inch closer and closer to our due date.  It's natural to hope and dream that a new addition to a family would bring nothing but bundles of love and happiness, but it's also realistic to recognize that new arrivals can dredge up long-standing disagreements and hurts between its preexisting members.  Knowing how to sensitively and lovingly address these issues is especially challenging when my first priority is preparing to be responsible for a helpless newborn.  She will arrive among us in a completely innocent state; none of the pain or anger that may hover around the family from previous conflict will be her fault.

I recently heard a coworker use the phrase "radical acceptance."  I don't think he meant to use it in a profound way at the time, but it stayed with me.  After all, what is acceptance if it isn't radical?  Acceptance of any circumstance beyond our control is likely to be a challenge that requires a leap of faith, perhaps even placing our own understanding on the back burner.  Another person's perspective is dependent on a lifetime of experiences and interactions, many of which we may know nothing about.  Therefore, I'm wondering if it's possible for me to exercise radical acceptance of those perspectives, particularly if I wish to maintain loving relationships with the people who hold them.  (It doesn't mean I have to agree with them-- just let go of the desire to change them.)  Perhaps that's the best way to cope with troubled relationships at a time when the most significant relationship in one's life is just on the cusp of beginning: the relationship between parent and child, with all of its responsibility and wonder.

I pray that God would allow me and my husband to continue our journey of openness, grant us experiences of radical acceptance for the sake of nurturing love within our families, and help us to teach our daughter to do the same.

30 weeks...

Well, I had a feeling life would suddenly seem to be on fast-forward after the holidays and once Galo returned home from his trip, and I was right!  The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of anxiety and excitement, a mixture of frustration and elation, anger and relief.  There have been some days of feeling blue and overwhelmed and others of pure confidence and pride.  I suppose this is just a preview of the emotional roller-coaster still to come.

With so much unfolding so quickly, it's easy to get caught up in the next item on the "to do" list instead of fully experiencing each instance of gratitude, of which there are many.  The first piece of happy news arrived shortly after my last post: my glucose test showed I was in the normal range and subsequently I have NOT been diagnosed with gestational diabetes!  One thing's for sure: I have learned so much from this pregnancy about not jumping to conclusions, and it has reframed the way I think about my personal health and wellness.  First of all, my health really does feel more "personal."  I am less inclined to compare myself to others and am more eager to experience things the way my individual body and mind experience them.  In the recent past, hearing or reading that I am "at higher risk" for [fill in the blank] triggered my anxiety and significantly threatened my sense of wellbeing.  Now, I take it with a grain of salt, knowing that even if I am considered to be in a "higher risk" category I am still a unique individual with a unique experience of health and I cannot be put into a box.  I can have faith in my health and be just as prepared for smooth sailing as I am for stormy seas.

Over the years I constructed an image of myself as "unwell" or "unworthy" in a number of ways, emotionally and physically, perhaps as a way of being better prepared for that to actually be the case.  The logic behind it is flawed, to say the least.  It is not God's intention for me to build walls of lies around myself as protection against an unknown future.  And living life that way certainly flies in the face of gratitude.  While I was searching for love, I told myself I would end up alone as a way of being prepared for that outcome.  Once I was happily married, I told myself starting a family would present a lot of challenges and I might never be able to have children.  Once I became pregnant (easily!), I told myself I would have a difficult pregnancy both physically and emotionally and run into health issues, many of which could be directly tied to my own "irresponsibility."  Well, I'm almost 30 weeks along now and my pregnancy has been wonderfully uneventful; the most difficult symptoms have been fatigue and a mere two or so weeks of back issues in my second trimester.  My anxiety is under control.  The few tears I have shed have been due to situational triggers and not feelings of hopelessness or depression.

It would be a tragedy not to learn from this, to not take this moment to be done with this twisted understanding of how to "protect" myself.  Expecting the worst from the world and believing I am broken does not protect me.  Instead, it lowers my self-esteem, denies my blessings, limits my growth, and would certainly be an unfortunate perspective to model for my child.  Why not believe I am whole and complete in God and draw a sense of protection and peace from that truth?

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not much more valuable than they?  And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?  Your Heavenly Father knows you have need.  So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself."
~Matthew 6:26-34

New Year, Same Gratitude

Praise God, I made it to my third trimester!!!

Although the New Year is a time of new beginnings and a fresh start, this particular January is clearly signaling to me that I'm heading down the home stretch and getting ready to wrap things up.  My due date is three months from today, and my husband returns from his journey to his home country of Ecuador in four days.  He and I began the new year in separate countries and it has been difficult for me to be apart from him for the last two weeks, but soon he'll be back and I feel like we'll officially be ready to prepare for our baby's arrival.  We've been preparing emotionally for all these months, and very soon it will be time to prepare in practical ways.  It's very surreal, wildly exciting, and thoroughly terrifying.

It feels as though since Galo left on his trip, just in these last two weeks since Christmas, I am really pregnant.  I feel much bigger, more uncomfortable, and somewhat short of breath.  And this is definitely the most movement I've felt so far... I feel like my little one is catapulting herself against all corners of my stomach! It is amazing but pretty disconcerting, especially in the middle of the night or in the wee hours of the morning.  Now I'm even able to see my tummy move!  One unfortunate consequence of being "more" pregnant is fielding an increasing number of intrusive and sometimes hurtful comments and questions.  I've gotten, "You're carrying SO big!" "You're getting bigger by the day!" "That's gonna be a big baby!" "Are you sure there's only one in there?" "Is your husband especially tall?" (He isn't.) "Have you gained a lot of weight?"

As someone who has struggled with weight concerns and a troubled relationship with food for most of her life, I always thought pregnancy would be a freeing and enjoyable time for me, maybe even healing.  And in a lot of ways, it certainly has been.  I have let go in ways I never thought possible, and have maintained optimism and hope in the face of the hugest unknown in my life so far.  I have grown even more loving and connected to my husband, which I didn’t know was possible.  And I do in fact feel more connected to my own body in a positive way.  I feel very grateful to my body for allowing me the experience of being pregnant.

However, pregnancy is not the “free pass” that society makes it out to be.  There's a misconception that pregnant women can eat whatever they want and in unlimited quantities.  If anything, I feel more pressure and have an even greater fear of judgment and feelings of guilt.  Don’t get me wrong— as I write this I’m eating a chocolate glazed donut.  And it is delicious.  So my guilt can’t be that all-consuming.  But it’s there and it bothers me.

On the one hand, I'm constantly being told by friends, family, acquaintances and strangers alike, "You're pregnant! If ever there were a time to indulge, now is that time!"  (I heard this even more during the holidays.)  On the other hand, everything I read about pregnancy implores women to be the healthiest they have ever been for the sake of their unborn child.  If pre-pregnancy you were a woman who ate a fair diet and only exercised occasionally, you should now exercise daily and eat tons of fruits, vegetables, and other foods packed with essential nutrients. Yes, pregnancy causes a lot of fatigue, back aches and general all-over-body-aches, but exercising is a must for your health during pregnancy and also helps with labor.  Certainly don't drink alcohol or eat cold deli meats, sushi, unpasteurized cheese or juice, runny eggs, undercooked meats, or too much tuna, sugar, fat, caffeine, or white carbohydrates.  But eat to your heart's content!

Needless to say, I've gotten some mixed messages.

(This also applies to pampering oneself:  Pregnancy is a time to make yourself a priority and indulge in some guilt-free pampering.  Just note it may be detrimental to your unborn baby if you color your hair, use nailpolish, apply certain types of make-up, get certain treatments during a facial, or use harmful kinds of perfume or body lotions.  And massaging your feet the wrong way could trigger contractions and propel you into pre-term labor.  But otherwise, enjoy! No guilt!)

On top of the emotional and mental struggles I have historically had with food, physically, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which only seems to further convince me that my lifestyle is “wrong.”  I have been told that due to having PCOS, I am at greater risk for developing gestational diabetes.  (However, I was also told I would likely face fertility issues because of PCOS, which was not the case!)  I am very nervous for my glucose test next week, mostly because I am afraid that if I’m diagnosed with gestational diabetes I won’t be able to forgive myself… which alone should tell you I have a warped perspective on my condition.  When it comes down to it, I don’t think I have been adequately educated about PCOS.  I have tried to inform myself: I have done a substantial amount of reading and have tried to ask questions of my endocrinologist and OB-gyn.  But my visits with my doctors always feel too rushed, and out of fear of seeming “entitled” (to more information or better explanations...gasp!) I end up being a poor self-advocate.  Furthermore, reading about PCOS often triggers my anxiety.  At one point I decided to stop doing research online and instead order a book called The PCOS Diet Plan by Hillary Wright, M. Ed, RD.  I really liked what I read about her and the book seemed to be just what I needed.  I purchased it and read parts of it that were helpful, but it still increased my anxiety and I still felt like the literature was too generalized.  Knowing a few other women who have PCOS, I’ve found the syndrome manifests itself in very different ways and there is no one way to experience it.  In the end, I just kind of gave up and decided (somewhat unconsciously) that my experience of PCOS is my own fault and any health consequence that presents itself is a statement about my character and inability to employ self-control.

It doesn’t help to hear from doctors that based on my height (which is less than 5’1”), I “should have” weighed 110-120 pounds pre-pregnancy, and the fact that I weighed more than that subsequently means my weight gain during pregnancy should be limited to 15 pounds.  How do I tell a doctor that the last time I weighed 120 lbs was in the sixth grade, and the last time I weighed 100-110 lbs was in the eighth grade when I was engaged in anorexic behaviors?  As a thirteen-year-old, in order to lose 20+ lbs I had to dangerously restrict my calorie intake and exercise daily.  As a twenty-seven-year-old pre-pregnancy, how much more would I have had to restrict my eating in order to achieve the “correct” BMI, taking into account that my metabolism was likely slower at age 27 than at age 13?  And you’re telling me that’s healthy?  That I am more "at risk" for having a higher BMI?  I don't understand the logic behind ignoring individual differences.  Does it really make sense to expect every woman who is five feet tall (or any height) to weigh the same amount in order to be considered healthy?

I suppose the answer to my question "how do I tell a doctor..." is quite literally, tell my doctor.  Simply vocalize the above information.  Maybe the next time I’m presented with the BMI argument, I’ll have the courage to shed the light of my personal experience.  But I'm not sure.

What I do know is, like everything else in my life, I cannot face this issue head-on without God’s help and being fully aware of His love and encouragement of my health.  Health is a complicated concept, but it all comes down to being kind to yourself.  God models that kindness for a reason, so that we may follow His example, not just in expressing kindness to others but to ourselves.

"Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple.  Therefore glorify God in your body."

~Corinthians 3:16