Although the New Year is a time of new beginnings and a fresh start, this particular January is clearly signaling to me that I'm heading down the home stretch and getting ready to wrap things up. My due date is three months from today, and my husband returns from his journey to his home country of Ecuador in four days. He and I began the new year in separate countries and it has been difficult for me to be apart from him for the last two weeks, but soon he'll be back and I feel like we'll officially be ready to prepare for our baby's arrival. We've been preparing emotionally for all these months, and very soon it will be time to prepare in practical ways. It's very surreal, wildly exciting, and thoroughly terrifying.
It feels as though since Galo left on his trip, just in these last two weeks since Christmas, I am really pregnant. I feel much bigger, more uncomfortable, and somewhat short of breath. And this is definitely the most movement I've felt so far... I feel like my little one is catapulting herself against
all corners of my stomach! It is amazing but pretty
disconcerting, especially in the middle of the night or in the wee hours of the morning. Now I'm even able to see my
tummy move! One unfortunate consequence of being "more" pregnant is fielding an increasing number of intrusive and sometimes hurtful comments and questions. I've gotten, "You're carrying SO big!" "You're getting bigger by the day!" "That's gonna be a big baby!" "Are you sure there's only one in there?" "Is your husband especially tall?" (He isn't.) "Have you gained a lot of weight?"
As someone who has struggled with weight concerns and a troubled
relationship with food for most of her life, I always thought pregnancy would
be a freeing and enjoyable time for me, maybe even healing.
And in a lot of ways, it certainly has been. I have let go in ways I never thought
possible, and have maintained optimism and hope in the face of the hugest
unknown in my life so far. I have grown
even more loving and connected to my husband, which I didn’t know was possible. And I do in fact feel more connected to my
own body in a positive way. I feel very grateful to my body for allowing me the experience of being pregnant.
However, pregnancy is not the “free pass” that society makes
it out to be. There's a misconception that pregnant women can eat whatever they want and in unlimited quantities. If anything, I feel more pressure and have an even greater fear of judgment and
feelings of guilt. Don’t get me wrong—
as I write this I’m eating a chocolate glazed donut. And it is delicious. So my guilt can’t be that all-consuming. But it’s there and it bothers me.
On the one hand, I'm constantly being told by friends, family, acquaintances and strangers alike, "You're pregnant! If ever there were a time to indulge, now is that time!" (I heard this even more during the holidays.) On the other hand, everything I read about pregnancy implores women to be the healthiest they have ever been for the sake of their unborn child. If pre-pregnancy you were a woman who ate a fair diet and only exercised occasionally, you should now exercise daily and eat tons of fruits, vegetables, and other foods packed with essential nutrients. Yes, pregnancy causes a lot of fatigue, back aches and general all-over-body-aches, but exercising is a must for your health during pregnancy and also helps with labor. Certainly don't drink alcohol or eat cold deli meats, sushi, unpasteurized cheese or juice, runny eggs, undercooked meats, or too much tuna, sugar, fat, caffeine, or white carbohydrates. But eat to your heart's content!
Needless to say, I've gotten some mixed messages.
(This also applies to pampering oneself: Pregnancy is a time to make yourself a priority and indulge in some guilt-free pampering. Just note it may be detrimental to your unborn baby if you color your hair, use nailpolish, apply certain types of make-up, get certain treatments during a facial, or use harmful kinds of perfume or body lotions. And massaging your feet the wrong way could trigger contractions and propel you into pre-term labor. But otherwise, enjoy! No guilt!)
On top of the emotional and mental struggles I have historically had with
food, physically, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which only seems to
further convince me that my lifestyle is “wrong.” I have been told that due to having PCOS, I
am at greater risk for developing gestational diabetes. (However, I was also told I would likely face
fertility issues because of PCOS, which was not the case!) I am very nervous for my glucose test next
week, mostly because I am afraid that if I’m diagnosed with gestational
diabetes I won’t be able to forgive myself… which alone should tell you I have
a warped perspective on my condition. When
it comes down to it, I don’t think I have been adequately educated about
PCOS. I have tried to inform myself: I have done a substantial amount of reading and have tried to ask questions of my
endocrinologist and OB-gyn. But my
visits with my doctors always feel too rushed, and out of fear of seeming
“entitled” (to more information or better explanations...gasp!) I end up being a poor
self-advocate. Furthermore, reading
about PCOS often triggers my anxiety. At
one point I decided to stop doing research online and instead order a book
called The PCOS Diet Plan by Hillary Wright, M. Ed, RD. I really liked what I read about her and the
book seemed to be just what I needed. I
purchased it and read parts of it that were helpful, but it still increased my
anxiety and I still felt like the literature was too generalized. Knowing a few other women who have PCOS, I’ve
found the syndrome manifests itself in very different ways and there is no one
way to experience it. In the end, I just
kind of gave up and decided (somewhat unconsciously) that my experience
of PCOS is my own fault and any health consequence that presents itself is a statement about my character and inability to employ self-control.
It doesn’t help to hear from doctors that based on my height
(which is less than 5’1”), I “should have” weighed 110-120 pounds
pre-pregnancy, and the fact that I weighed more than that subsequently means my weight gain during pregnancy should be limited to 15 pounds. How do I tell a doctor
that the last time I weighed 120 lbs was in the sixth grade, and the last time
I weighed 100-110 lbs was in the eighth grade when I was engaged in anorexic behaviors? As a thirteen-year-old, in
order to lose 20+ lbs I had to dangerously restrict my calorie intake and
exercise daily. As a
twenty-seven-year-old pre-pregnancy, how much more would I have had to restrict my eating in order to achieve the
“correct” BMI, taking into account that my metabolism was likely slower at age
27 than at age 13? And you’re telling me
that’s healthy? That I am more "at risk" for having a higher BMI? I don't understand the logic behind ignoring individual differences. Does it really make sense to expect every woman who is five feet tall (or any height) to weigh the same amount in order to be considered healthy?
I suppose the answer to my question "how do I tell a doctor..." is quite literally, tell my doctor. Simply vocalize the above information. Maybe the next time I’m presented
with the BMI argument, I’ll have the courage to shed the light of my personal
experience. But I'm not sure.
What I do know is, like everything else in my life, I cannot face
this issue head-on without God’s help and being fully aware of His love and
encouragement of my health. Health is a complicated concept, but it all comes down to being kind to yourself. God models that kindness for a reason, so that we may follow His example, not just in expressing kindness to others but to ourselves.
"Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple. Therefore glorify God in your body."
No comments:
Post a Comment