For Lolo

Sitting next to my gorgeous daughter on the couch as she watches Disney short films, with the ceiling fan gently whirling above us and a cloudy day visible through our "dining room" windows (even though this has been our family/TV room for a good long while now, I still can't think of this room as anything but the dining room it was when I was a kid), s-l-o-w-l-y sipping an iced mocha that I only sort of want but still appreciate, it's hard to know what my depression is all about. Simple, contented moments like these make me believe that everything really is okay, and that I don't need to live in such constraining fear and hopelessness. And yet, I know when I am next feeling depressed, I won't be able to truly access this moment in my memory, and even if I can access it, it won't hold the same meaning as it does right now. A shame. But that's why I write. It doesn't fix or change things, but it can be a reminder.

I gaze at Nina and know that the real reason I want this new baby to make it into our lives is because of her. Because of who she is, as her own person and what she is to us. She is remarkable and crazy-making and joy and magic, and I want more of her. I am greedy and insane and in over my head, head over heels in love. I want to only be accountable to myself and yet thirst to have even more Mom responsibility. I want it NOW and completely do not feel up to it. What is comforting this time around is knowing that even as I ache for more of her, and to re-experience what it was like to care for her as a baby and chubby toddler, she is absolutely enough for me and for our family. If she is our only child, what more could I even ask for. She leaves us lacking nothing... (other than uninterrupted sleep, a neat house, and our sanity: minor inconveniences).

And.

I hope this little nugget pulls through. No pressure, little guy (or gal... but I have a feeling...). I just hope you want to meet us. I promise you'll like us. You'll have a pretty cool (probably bossy) big sis, like I was, and a dad who will yell at you in Spanish, love you with his whole heart and brighten your days with his unpredictable bursts of genuine laughter. You'll get to live in a multi-generational home with a Nonnie who will make you feel loved and special every single day and will help keep your dear old Mom & Dad from killing each other when stress runs high. You'll have me for a mom... which I think you'll be cool with. I think I'll do you proud. I'm pretty goofy and I won't yell unless you do something REALLY bad; otherwise we'll just talk it out and I'll give you extra love because I'll know that's probably what you need right then. I'll get tired a lot but I won't make you feel like that's your fault. I'll find reasons to smile and songs to sing even on my hard days. I promise. Oh, I don't cook. But I prepare healthy snacks and sandwiches and eggs and macaroni and vegetables. And I know where the best take-out is. I'll let you have sugar in moderation. I'll read you millions of books. That's my absolute favorite thing to do with your sister, other than listen and dance to music. I'll let you have your own view of the world and won't impose mine on you unless I have to.

And someday, Nina and maybe-sib, I'll get a job and make some money and do something to help others outside of our family. I don't know when that will be or what it will be exactly, and I don't know if I'll really be any good at it at first.  But I earned my degree and that means something for the future. In the meantime, Dad will continue to take such good care of us and work really hard and we have to go easy on him because the world doesn't. 

We want you little one, but also understand it's not up to us, and that we will be okay if you decide to remain in our dreams. You're a beautiful dream.